Category Archives: Life As I Know It

Need I say more?

Almost There

There are only 4 requirements left for the rest of the semester: a paper, two exams and a business  plan presentation.
(However, counting the non-academic things I have going on.. *loses count*)

I can’t believe the semester is almost over. Still, some things don’t change. I’m still awake at 2 in the morning, watching an episode of Fringe Season 2 and writing this blog post, instead of getting some much needed sleep that I haven’t been able to indulge in since forever. I don’t have class tomorrow, but I go to school to hang out and study with my guy, going to organization events later in the afternoon. My bags are messy, there’s a tab where Facebook is open, and I just killed an hour earlier tonight browsing Instagram.

Many things don’t change.

Yet I believe that this semester changed me in many ways I didn’t expect. I didn’t make as much progress on my thesis as I’d be comfortable with, yet I feel as tired as the rest of my block mates who got to present their preliminary results in local and internation conferences. I almost didn’t read a single fictional book for the entire semester, giving in just this week (and it’s the last week of regular classes). I actually read multiple textbooks on the same topics, never mind the repetitive principles. Surprisingly, I even got to score high enough as to be the top 8 scorer (we were only 30+ so it wasn’t that great of a feat) on an exam in a subject taught by our institute director . I didn’t know I was capable of these things: of discipline, or a more efficient strategy for time management, of actually excelling in my academics while trying to be more involved in my newest organization and also maintaining a relationship.

It wasn’t easy, but it seems that  I pulled through.
And now, there’s almost only 6 months left before I have to face what’s out there.

When people say that being a student is the easiest thing to be throughout your whole life, career-wise that is, it’s because students’ lives are predictable to the point of being boring and cumbersome. They are provided sets of predetermined tests and lessons to plow through for a certain number of years, with the expectation of absorbing at least a certain amount. Never mind that they may end up an insurance agent even with a Math degree. I have never really believed in that–in fact, I believe that being a student was harder in that you had no choice but adhere to the path that the academe has laid out for you. There is little room for maneuvering, and those that don’t survive or choose to drop out statistically end up with menial jobs and a lack of opportunities. I viewed it as societal manipulation in the most clever way: targeting both fear of the inability to provide for oneself and the desire to live in comfort, even luxury.

But when I think now of what I plan to do after graduation (if, God willing, I graduate on time), I begin to realize that the saying is true. The ‘real world’ sounds scary because there are a lot of unpredicatabilities. I realize that, in 6 months’ time, I cannot simply just wake up in the morning and worry about what to wear, whether all my notebooks are in my bag, if I have my ID with me. I cannot plan if I’m going to be studying during the weekend for an exam in the next coming week. I would have to look at schools to apply, a visa to apply for, scholarships whose basic requirements I qualify for. I’d have to finally apply for a passport. Most importantly, I will be subjecting myself to the utmost unpredictability of getting accepted to both a (full) scholarship and a forensic school. I know that these, in my case, cannot be mutually exclusive.

The line I’d have to traverse seems fairly straight, but experience teaches us that it is rarely the case. I guess that’s why they had to differentiate distance from displacement. Yet this unpredictability is what most crave for: the ability to choose what they want to do and the freedom to follow through with it. For me, it seems almost like a challenge to my upbringing, if what I’ve garnered over the years is enough to earn my survival in the wild.

I feel excited but I don’t think I’m ready. Not yet.
I still have six months to procrastinate, as typical of most students.

But I do know..
I’m almost there.

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Make It Simple: A (Really) Short Poem

Our situation
Would be so much easier
If we just admit
What we (really) mean to each other.

Hurts can be avoided,
No tiptoeing around
For thinking of the other
Will make us act on moral ground.

No explicit considerations,
Only automatic ones,
For warnings are not needed
If danger isn’t to come.

But it’s all up to you
To make up your mind;
I’ll be here, waiting
Just one step behind.

♥,
*******23

When the Subconscious Speaks

It’s been a long time since I dreamt of something. Anything. Much less something as long or as vivid as the one I dreamt today.

I was at a high school reunion. Weirdly, it seemed as though the only ones involved in it are my batch and the batch before ours. We arrived separately; I was there much earlier. I distinctly remember seeing almost no one from my batch that I was close to, only those who have mocked me in the past and/or people close to her. I saw you when you arrived. We started crossing the field from different directions, but were apparently headed towards the same place. I was getting ready to greet you, to act nonchalantly, for what could be worse than giving a clue as to the true nature of our..association to this group of people?

And as the tendency with dreams, I was able to follow you without my dream self being there with you. (This may very well be a jumbled sequence of events.) Before we actually talked in the dream, I saw you socialize with your batch mates and you were still as easygoing and seemingly as popular with them as you made yourself out to be, through your stories. It reminded me how weird I thought it was that you hung out oftentimes with the popular people in your batch, yet I’ve never heard of or noticed you before she told me about you. By the way, she wasn’t there. Not of my close friends were. It’s like my subconscious is mimicking my real life situation, how my closest high school friends don’t study in the same campus as I do,.. Or maybe it’s just sparing me the feeling of criticized by the very same people whose opinions I highly value.

When we finally got to talk, we were standing in, I think, a corridor, leaning on the walls across from each other. I was able to sense the tension in the air, the caution we so carefully observed in the way we acted and conversed, trying hard to look as if we were talking easily but without sounding very familiar with each other. Our efforts seemed futile when a couple of my batch mates went by (luckily*sarcastic* those who got along so well with her but seemed to despise, or at least really dislike, me) and they were looking at us suspiciously, even as I said ‘hi’ with a cheery smile. Already, I saw the judgment in their eyes. But then I looked at you and you didn’t look like you noticed anything wrong. Until we resumed our conversation and you sounded resigned and..

I don’t remember the exact words or topics we talked about, but I distinctly remember one thing you told me, even though it’s not verbatim. You told me,
“Can’t you see? She won.”

My dream self felt a big twinge at that, but consistent with my current self, I didn’t show it. Fast forward to a scene where we’re sitting far apart and I toss you your ID. It may have been too hard but I tell you that I didn’t want my throw to fall short.

Fall short. That’s all I will ever do, all you will let me do, isn’t it? Even if you don’t mean it. I find it fitting that you told me yesterday: “Some time this morning I had a thought: “I can’t believe I’m still going through the process of moving on“”. I’m glad that we’re close enough for you to tell me these things. However, that plus what your dream self told my dream self.. It really drove home what I’ve realized so long ago but failed to accept as fact:

It’s hard to compete with a memory. Much more if that memory is of a person with whom you had no closure with, who will forever be a ‘what if’ in your mind. I know she’s fantastic and an amazing person; sometimes I can’t even fathom how we became close, as uninteresting as I am. But, as many people can attest, holding on to the memory of someone oftentimes makes you hold onto the idea of being with that someone as you remember them. Never mind that they may have changed drastically over the years. And all of these things combined, with her still remaining fabulous (and maybe growing even more fabulous with each second), you may as well have been right.

She won.
Thank you for the wake up call, my subconscious. I know you’re just looking out for me.

Hugging a pillow to my chest,
*******23

“Shallow Blogging”

image
Screen cap from JoJo's IG account 🙂 Words to live by!

Whenever I blog, I feel like I ought to be able to put something profound, or at least share a story that doesn’t happen in my everyday life. A blog post with an average of 800-1000 words that can touch peoples’ lives, that’s my motto. Anything less would be crap, not worth posting. This, I think, is the main reason why I’ve failed to keep up my blogging. (And when I say worth reading, I’m only considering my own standards, ayt?)

However, recent events made me realize that I should blog more even when my life proves routine-like. After all, ‘extraordinary’ is just thinking or making something extra out of something ordinary, if that makes sense. And why do I even bother peppering my posts with tags just to potentially increase the amount of people who might read my blog posts? (Very hypocritical, specially since I don’t plan on stopping this, but I do plan to tone it down.) My new take: just put your thoughts out there, and whoever reads them gets to..read them.

And with that, I want to share what I’ve been up to recently, after this hiatus brought about by ‘having nothing to blog about’ (or so I thought). As a list coz I’m just typing from my phone :-j (which I realize is a great way to make sure I don’t write up über long posts!)

1) Main focus: Insanity! Yes, I’m getting into it again, but this time I’m in for the long haul. Currently on my 9th day and very determined to push through, if only to achieve that toned sexaaaay body in time for graduation pics.

2) Second main focus: thesis! Yes, I’m finally on my last year o: I can’t believe it’s my last year of college! And with the academic calendar shift our school has gone through, *sings* ‘for the first time in forever’.. I get to celebrate my birthday (I’m a June baby) unencumbered by academic concerns! Except those I choose to bring upon myself, of course.

3) Third main ‘thing going on’: my birthday o: it’s not really a big thing, but I used to use the ‘got school’ excuse for not celebrating with friends. Now that I’m oh so conveniently ‘free’ to party, I don’t know what to do. For some reason though, I’ve been feeling a mixture of excitement and dread about it. Leaving your teens and being part of the ‘early twenties’ category seems to be a bigger transition than turning legal (18).

4) Fourth: hanging out with friends. I think my mom is at the point wherein she’s decided that I’m mature enough to go out with friends, so now I plan to hang out with people as much as my pockets can take (and my savings are trying to cope with a huge dent already 😐 kinda wish I live near so I’ll just invite people over) and as much as I can take (still with introvert tendencies, haha.) Yes, there’s still that lazy ass feeling of going out, specially with Insanity, but I figured I should stop making excuses and put myself out there in the social jungle 🙂

Okay so I think that ^ word vomit is enough. Here’s to blogging again *hypothetical cheers*!!
(And I figured that, as much as I enjoyed scanning HP books for quotes, that it’s time to stop. I’ll always be fond of them though <3)

Over and out!!
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