Tag Archives: boys

Thank God for Blogs

“How are you doing now?”
You text, just like any other moment
On any other day.
I don’t reply ’cause
I don’t know what to say.
You bombard me with
Stories of things that amused you:
Cara Delevingne for Topman/Topshop
Your brother’s antics
Where you ate lunch at
(That Burger King shop we frequent?)

I don’t know how to do this,
I don’t know how you do.
Like everything’s just normal–
Well, that’s just bull.
On the back of my mind
I can’t erase your face
Looking lost, like you just had
A sad epiphany
And I have no idea what triggered it.

I stare at the screen
Of my computer
Codes not making sense
Unable to follow simple instructions
To make some program work.
Most everything else seems trivial now.
I can’t focus
But I can’t rant
Specially not on social sites; you might see.
I don’t want you to worry.
Heck, I don’t want to be worried
But I can’t help it.

It’s noon already
On a Sunday
And I have two papers and
An exam on Tuesday
So as I sit here
Tears streaming down my face
Texting you like everything’s okay
I’m truly thinking:
“Thank God for blogs.”

*******23

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Torn and helpless

Only had one non-coffee drink the whole day
And yet the caffeine has run out of my veins.
And instead of figuring out some program
I spent the brain power on you.
It was not what I wanted, it was not what I chose
But you won’t get out of my head even as I shoved.
You told me I ground you
Then you warn me that you might sink
Into depression in the next few days
And I couldn’t help but feel.. helpless.
Not knowing what goes on in your brain
Specially at times like this kills me
But I can’t force you to tell me things.
I don’t want to.

I want you to feel free to tell me things:
From crazy trips to happy memories,
From corny jokes to ambitious dreams.
Drown me in your emotions
Happiness, anger, sadness, frustration–
Anything but this isolation is preferred.
I may not have the time to see you everyday
Nor may I be always attentive to my phone
But I will always have time for this.
Time for your feelings, your apprehensions,
your fears–time. For. You.
I already gave you the ticket,
You only need to claim the price.

But I know that it’s true,
What a friend used to say:
“You’re confrontational.”
And I am.
But I’ll understand
(Oh, I’ll try my hardest)
If you choose to keep things from me
Because I know that not everyone
Deals with things as I do.
Specially not you.
I can only hope
That someday, you will feel
That it’s alright to let go
Of thoughts and emotions
Specially to me.

*******23

Reflection

I’m so confused.
Today, I broke my personal coffee cup. Not on purpose; it slipped from my grasp, but I don’t understand how it happened. I wasn’t holding anything else with the hand holding it, and it’s just too stupid to attribute it to drowsiness, since I got up like 30 minutes ago.

I can’t help but think that it’s an omen or a manifestation of the internal turmoil building inside of me. The guy I’ve been posting about, my muse for the last poem? He’s finally came around, emotionally, and I’ve never felt so gratified about making an effort about someone. We’ve cleared up how we’ve come to feel about each other. To quote one of the touching things he said,

Love and relationships are strange things, for something that can make you feel like the world is yours would also make you feel tortured–and yet people seek it. I wasn’t seeking it but it came to me.

His mother’s apprehensions about him entering a relationship came up, since he was quite a wreck from his previous one. That plus my mother’s misgivings, including that he may be a distraction from my focusing during my last year of college, challenged me to prove them wrong. I can say that I’ve been the more stable one lately, for I’ve been avoiding being attached to him due to previous conversations in which he made it clear that ‘us’ would never work out. He’s admitted that he doesn’t experience the stability I experience, emotionally, but then he hasn’t been holding himself back almost the entire time like I’ve been.

I want to make this work, for both of us, because I like how we support each other’s ventures and interests; it feels more mature than the last ‘relationship’ (for my last ‘serious’ guy and I never got to be together) I’ve been in. We’re both graduating next year, so we know where our priorities lie. Also, I really like how we can just be together in person and not feel the need to say anything to each other. Our coffee shop ‘dates’ felt really comforting and..something, I don’t know what’s the word for it. The feeling of being productive, feeling the support from across the table, then glancing up to find him studying his paper intently or to find him glancing at me; him reaching his hand across the table, seeking mine, all the while still studying. I still don’t think we have much conversational chemistry, but I know I can’t help grinning like a fool whenever I see him. I also think it’s nice how we are in very different fields of study yet we feel comfortable sharing things about our work to each other. I’ve come to learn how his mind wanders when he becomes quiet, but more recently I know they’ve been wandering to other things still related to me. I feel chastised yet cared for when he expresses concern about my safety, for he’s rarely (never, so far) too pushy about it. He understands that I am my own woman, that I know what I’m doing.

Wow, blogging really enables me to reflect. When I started writing this post, I was in turmoil for I felt stuck yesterday. After The Talk on Friday night, I was feeling just.. ‘meh’ yesterday while talking to him! I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. All the time he was happily sharing things with me, and I actually felt the urge to stop replying! Then last night, I dreamt about being in relationships with 2 different boys (a local celebrity and another guy from school whom I know is in a stable relationship) and I couldn’t understand how my subconscious could have dreamt those scenarios up. But now, I think I’ve gained clarity and perspective.

Hoping things turn out well,
*******23

Make It Simple: A (Really) Short Poem

Our situation
Would be so much easier
If we just admit
What we (really) mean to each other.

Hurts can be avoided,
No tiptoeing around
For thinking of the other
Will make us act on moral ground.

No explicit considerations,
Only automatic ones,
For warnings are not needed
If danger isn’t to come.

But it’s all up to you
To make up your mind;
I’ll be here, waiting
Just one step behind.

♥,
*******23