I wasn’t wrong in predicting that even if I didn’t want to, I’d still be thinking about you. You and me, this ‘us’ that people are speculating about, this ‘us’ that people think they know exists. But what is this ‘us’ anyway? Is there really an ‘us’ anymore?
This past few days, I’ve been asking this question to some of my friends. When they can’t comprehend what the heck I’m talking about, I tell them it’s about dating and relationships. Here goes:
What if you already have something good? Not in terms of morality, but quality. But then recent events made you realize that something better exists and is possible for you out there? But for that ‘something better’ to be available to you, you’d have to let go of whatever ‘something good’ you already have. And yet, once you let go of that ‘something good’, there’s no guarantee at all that you’ll get something else, be it as good as what you once had or even better. What would you do then?
For most of whom I asked, I didn’t explain our circumstances. I just bothered to explain what really was going on to a couple of friends, those really close to my heart (and some whom I felt would be able to look upon the situation in a better light, as they know both you and I.) I was grateful to them for listening, but I don’t think any of them really understood where I was coming from. I don’t blame them; after all, as I told one of them, “Liking someone is simple. Sure, it’s never easy but it shouldn’t be this complicated either.” At first, it frustrated me, but after mulling over my thoughts on the subject, I came up with these 5 main points:
You’re stoic (as from Philosophy, apathetic and indifferent; that is, lacking both care and interest), and I can’t ‘be with’ someone like that. Not for long. It doesn’t help that it’s “out of sight, out of mind” for you when it comes to me (or so it seems; God help me if your actions, or lack of it, don’t scream the same sentiments.) When we’re not together in person, and I doubt we’ll be meeting for more than a handful of times for the next semester, I feel like I don’t exist. Like the things we experienced didn’t happen; that there’s nothing. I know you may not mean to make me feel that way, but I know you’re also not going to change. As you told me once, you’ve never found a girl who has motivated you to exert more effort than you’re willing to give. And you telling me that already means something.
I don’t regret anything that happened, but I feel sad that, considering what was already there, whatever relationship we have/had didn’t develop into something with more substance, more meaning. It may not seem much, especially to other people; but for me, it was a lot. It may be because you’re the first guy who’s made me feel.. really safe. Not even my father has made me feel that way. And while it pains some part of me to admit this–me who dislikes damsels in distress because I was brought up to be a strong and independent woman–I actually liked feeling safe in your arms. I still haven’t, and probably won’t, forget the night you took me home when I was drunk. (It may be because you like(d) me, or your conscience couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to me, but you took me home even though you lived far away and it was really late.) Also, I still mean it when I say that I really like hanging out with you. I think part of it is how we’re from different fields (and, dare I say it, worlds?) which lets us teach each other various things. I still find it endearing how you’re so innocent when it comes to some things (like how you thought sushi are swallowed whole) and, although this one is also a fault, how you’re so picky specially when it comes to food.
We agreed that we can date with the other’s permission, but I don’t think I can stick with that. At least, not now. It’s never fun being conflicted about anything concerning feelings. I don’t know if I told you, but it was my first time trying out casual dating with you. I know we just like each other, and a person can like more than one person, but I still can’t justify it within myself. Just considering it makes me feel like I’m a bad person, like I’m letting my ‘appetitive soul’ get the better of me. Maybe I’m just thinking too ideally, maybe I’m just knew to the idea of ‘playing the field’; but that’s it. I can’t seriously like two people at the same time when at least one of them likes me back as well, and even dated/dating me.
I might as well start detaching myself, because considering everything, I don’t want to waste my time wondering about something that has an apparently bleak future. This thought sounds a whole lot pessimistic even to me, but considering how we barely talk anymore, and how substance-less our conversations have been (Why is that? What happened to us? I’ve been having awesome conversations with my other friends from our class..and I know your also talking to some of them as well, some even teasingly..), I don’t think this ‘relationship’ of ours, or what’s left of it, is going anywhere..be it a month or two, or a year from now. Yes, we ‘click’ when we’re together, but we barely have any common breaks. Subtract from that the times when you’ll be too lazy to be persuaded to go out, and the bleak future appears more and more legit. And yet..
Remember the times you told me not to leave you? How, even if the future may seem bleak, I shouldn’t leave you–at least, not yet. I know we may have been a tad too dramatic whenever we have those sentimental moments and conversations, but I like to believe that you meant the things you said. And so I still think of those times, specially when I consider just letting go of all of it–this summer, and everything associated with it.
So I guess this is what I’m trying to say: I. Give. Up. I’m not going to think too much about ‘us’ before, or what exists of it. I’m just going to keep myself open to anything, and closing the door on any developments on ‘us’. (I’m not locking it, though.) We can still be friends anyway, even movie buddies. You’re not looking for a relationship anyway, right? At least not this year, you said, because you have to focus on your studies. And I get that, but I also have to keep in mind that I live in the now. I’m not confident that I’ll meet anyone–for all I know, I’ll get to meet my next someone after graduating–but I’m not going to contemplate about what to do with us anymore. I guess it’s also kind of my fault for over-thinking and hoping for something that wasn’t there. Expectations breed disappointment, as they say.
With this post, I feel lighter, like a burden’s been lifted off my chest. The old me would probably berate the present me for not giving ‘us’ a real shot, for putting everything into trying to make things work. But as I said to a friend, “a relationship is not like a happy crush; it can’t be maintained if only one side is giving efforts.” As per the title, this post is also a..good bye. I’ve always thought that applying ‘Que sera sera’ on ‘us’ is not going to help, but ultimately, I think that is where we’ll end up anyway. I’m done thinking of what could have been and of what could still be. So to you, see you whenever.
Over and out,