Tag Archives: firsts

This is Insanity!: How my Legs Turned to Jelly

So in my forever quest to get fitter than I currently am (and trust me, that’s not saying much), I started doing the Insanity workout today. Take note that I haven’t had any consistent or frequent physical activity in the past 5 months, so to say I was unprepared for this would be an understatement. I guess I should have taken this notice seriously:

See the encircled part? Yeah, that.
See the encircled part? Yeah, that.
Pic from http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/insanity.do

But as I was desperate to jump-start my way into a fitter, hopefully sexier me (and was too lazy to even consider not taking a ‘shortcut’), I started this today. And after the fit test, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to survive the next 51 days (59 minus 8 rest days).

I felt my legs turn to jelly just after the first 2 exercises/tests. Then the workers who were supposed to fix the water pipes at our house came and I conveniently used that as an excuse to stop the video (besides the jelly legs). Eventually I gathered up the courage to continue (which was after 15-20 minutes :|) and finally got these results:

76, 43, 60, 20, 9, 10, 2, 32

which correspond to the different fitness exercises in the fit test. I’m not ashamed to admit that I just got 2 in the push-up jacks because I have never attempted a proper push-up, always going with the ‘girl’ push-ups in which the legs are bent at the knees and the knees are touching the floor.

I guess it’s a good thing then that I downloaded this video. I just might have to watch it every single day. (and no, I’m not a Nike endorser; it’s not my fault they had the brilliance to make this video) Watch it, and I guarantee you’ll have the motivation to face anything, be it trying out a new lifestyle, sport, or just turning your life around. This should be the new fomo/yolo (Fear Of Missing Out/You Only Live Once) video of your life.

Let’s see where my journey takes me, eh? I never thought I’d be posting about trying Insanity out, so soon. But I have no intention of blogging about this journey every single day. Just pray for me, please, and wish me luck.

To all of you out there who intend to try something new, those who might be apprehensive because you think that you can’t do it, that you’re too weak, too unfit, too undisciplined..GET OVER YOURSELF. Stop making excuses.
I don’t know if this saying is out there already but I just thought of it the other day (and was surprised at the brilliance of it. Lol):

The self can achieve what the mind can conceive, as long as the heart believes.

In the meantime, I’ll be watching episodes of Bones and reading Shadow of the Giant (read the Ender’s Game series! Seriously. 2 thumbs up for Orson Scott Card! I had (and having) a hard time putting down the books, even those in the spin-off series) in between Insanity and Hip Hop Abs (because my sister wanted to exercise too, and her knees can’t handle the strain of Insanity and she wanted me to exercise with her. Oh, the things we do for family. #drama)

Over and out,

*******23

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I Like You; Goodbye.

I wasn’t wrong in predicting that even if I didn’t want to, I’d still be thinking about you. You and me, this ‘us’ that people are speculating about, this ‘us’ that people think they know exists. But what is this ‘us’ anyway? Is there really an ‘us’ anymore?

This past few days, I’ve been asking this question to some of my friends. When they can’t comprehend what the heck I’m talking about, I tell them it’s about dating and relationships. Here goes:
What if you already have something good? Not in terms of morality, but quality. But then recent events made you realize that something better exists and is possible for you out there? But for that ‘something better’ to be available to you, you’d have to let go of whatever ‘something good’ you already have. And yet, once you let go of that ‘something good’, there’s no guarantee at all that you’ll get something else, be it as good as what you once had or even better. What would you do then?

For most of whom I asked, I didn’t explain our circumstances. I just bothered to explain what really was going on to a couple of friends, those really close to my heart (and some whom I felt would be able to look upon the situation in a better light, as they know both you and I.) I was grateful to them for listening, but I don’t think any of them really understood where I was coming from. I don’t blame them; after all, as I told one of them, “Liking someone is simple. Sure, it’s never easy but it shouldn’t be this complicated either.” At first, it frustrated me, but after mulling over my thoughts on the subject, I came up with these 5 main points:

You’re stoic (as from Philosophy, apathetic and indifferent; that is, lacking both care and interest), and I can’t ‘be with’ someone like that. Not for long. It doesn’t help that it’s “out of sight, out of mind” for you when it comes to me (or so it seems; God help me if your actions, or lack of it, don’t scream the same sentiments.) When we’re not together in person, and I doubt we’ll be meeting for more than a handful of times for the next semester, I feel like I don’t exist. Like the things we experienced didn’t happen; that there’s nothing. I know you may not mean to make me feel that way, but I know you’re also not going to change. As you told me once, you’ve never found a girl who has motivated you to exert more effort than you’re willing to give. And you telling me that already means something.

I don’t regret anything that happened, but I feel sad that, considering what was already there, whatever relationship we have/had didn’t develop into something with more substance, more meaning. It may not seem much, especially to other people; but for me, it was a lot. It may be because you’re the first guy who’s made me feel.. really safe. Not even my father has made me feel that way. And while it pains some part of me to admit this–me who dislikes damsels in distress because I was brought up to be a strong and independent woman–I actually liked feeling safe in your arms. I still haven’t, and probably won’t, forget the night you took me home when I was drunk. (It may be because you like(d) me, or your conscience couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to me, but you took me home even though you lived far away and it was really late.) Also, I still mean it when I say that I really like hanging out with you. I think part of it is how we’re from different fields (and, dare I say it, worlds?) which lets us teach each other various things. I still find it endearing how you’re so innocent when it comes to some things (like how you thought sushi are swallowed whole) and, although this one is also a fault, how you’re so picky specially when it comes to food.

We agreed that we can date with the other’s permission, but I don’t think I can stick with that. At least, not now. It’s never fun being conflicted about anything concerning feelings. I don’t know if I told you, but it was my first time trying out casual dating with you. I know we just like each other, and a person can like more than one person, but I still can’t justify it within myself. Just considering it makes me feel like I’m a bad person, like I’m letting my ‘appetitive soul’ get the better of me. Maybe I’m just thinking too ideally, maybe I’m just knew to the idea of ‘playing the field’; but that’s it. I can’t seriously like two people at the same time when at least one of them likes me back as well, and even dated/dating me.

I might as well start detaching myself, because considering everything, I don’t want to waste my time wondering about something that has an apparently bleak future. This thought sounds a whole lot pessimistic even to me, but considering how we barely talk anymore, and how substance-less our conversations have been (Why is that? What happened to us? I’ve been having awesome conversations with my other friends from our class..and I know your also talking to some of them as well, some even teasingly..), I don’t think this ‘relationship’ of ours, or what’s left of it, is going anywhere..be it a month or two, or a year from now. Yes, we ‘click’ when we’re together, but we barely have any common breaks. Subtract from that the times when you’ll be too lazy to be persuaded to go out, and the bleak future appears more and more legit. And yet..

Remember the times you told me not to leave you? How, even if the future may seem bleak, I shouldn’t leave you–at least, not yet. I know we may have been a tad too dramatic whenever we have those sentimental moments and conversations, but I like to believe that you meant the things you said. And so I still think of those times, specially when I consider just letting go of all of it–this summer, and everything associated with it.

So I guess this is what I’m trying to say: I. Give. Up. I’m not going to think too much about ‘us’ before, or what exists of it. I’m just going to keep myself open to anything, and closing the door on any developments on ‘us’. (I’m not locking it, though.) We can still be friends anyway, even movie buddies. You’re not looking for a relationship anyway, right? At least not this year, you said, because you have to focus on your studies. And I get that, but I also have to keep in mind that I live in the now. I’m not confident that I’ll meet anyone–for all I know, I’ll get to meet my next someone after graduating–but I’m not going to contemplate about what to do with us anymore. I guess it’s also kind of my fault for over-thinking and hoping for something that wasn’t there. Expectations breed disappointment, as they say.

With this post, I feel lighter, like a burden’s been lifted off my chest. The old me would probably berate the present me for not giving ‘us’ a real shot, for putting everything into trying to make things work. But as I said to a friend, “a relationship is not like a happy crush; it can’t be maintained if only one side is giving efforts.” As per the title, this post is also a..good bye. I’ve always thought that applying ‘Que sera sera’ on ‘us’ is not going to help, but ultimately, I think that is where we’ll end up anyway. I’m done thinking of what could have been and of what could still be. So to you, see you whenever.

Over and out,

*******23

Summer Lovin’ and Whatever May Come

Near the end of January last year, I met a person whom I was to become very close to for the next couple of months. We grew to like each other and thought that it would be a wonderful idea to attend summer classes together. Things ended badly but him being my first love, I cannot deny that he’ll always hold a special place in my heart. Afterward, I grew pessimistic about my chances of meeting someone else. Little did I know about the surprises this summer had for me.

Having felt love, I can truly and honestly say that I don’t love this person in that manner (yet?), although I do know that I love him as a friend. We haven’t known each other that long, but seeing and/or talking to one another everyday helped speed up our getting-to-know phase. During our class’ field trip, we started talking to each other (to be honest, I didn’t really pay much attention to him except that he was my group-mate in previous activities) and our classmates started teasing us, calling us the names of a love-team from a famous local movie that was shown during the bus ride. We didn’t mind them and took the teasing in stride for we knew that there wasn’t really anything to be ‘guilty’ of; we just enjoyed each other’s company and enjoyed talking to one another. This was further cemented by the conversation I had with him while he was drunk.

Post-field trip, I found out that he was part of the sports organization whose PE course I was taking (also this summer). This only served to widen our common ground, and I tried to convince him to play with the club’s other members against my PE class. Eventually, we got to texting and chatting on Facebook. We’d chat until the wee hours of the morning, and jokingly blame each other for sleeping too late. Eventually, he asked me out on a date–a legit one, although he apparently planned it to be a friendly one originally. In class, we let our classmates have their fun at teasing us; in private, we just got to know each other better and rarely became cheesy. Over the past couple of days, I admittedly became frustrated of how his ‘online self’ oftentimes does not coincide with his ‘real self’. It’s as if he becomes a different person when there are people around: he keeps his distance and acts as if we were just acquaintances. I’ve thought that I may be reading too much into his ‘detachment’–after all, expectations breed disappointment–and tried consulting a couple of close friends whom I also just made in the same class. Then and there I decided to be Taoist when it came to him and embody wu wei. But then I got drunk.

It was the day of our charity event to a home for the aged (the first of which I’d heard of in the Philippines). Since we finished early, someone proposed that we hang out and drink some; I honestly went along because I wanted to hang out with them and thought there would be karaoke. I wasn’t really into senseless drinking: that is, drinking for the sake of getting drunk. It happened accidentally, of course (’twas my first time. I’m not proud of it but it happened. At least I am more knowledgeable of my limits now.), but I didn’t know I’d be very..uninhibited and..clingy. I don’t know how our classmates called me ‘cute’; maybe because I insisted on sleeping and he insisted on putting my head on his shoulder, saying that he doesn’t want me to trade him for a table. To sum it all up, we were very couple-y. He even took me home, out of a mixture of concern for my well-being and because he likes me (his words, not mine). It still amazes me to this day how I felt so protected as he took me home, and even as he prevented me from going home before I’d sobered up a little. Brought up as a rather independent woman, acting like that and being like that has ever entered my mind. Truly, I think we kind-of ‘floored the gas’ with that experience.

It felt rather awkward for me to approach him after that. I felt that I’d overstepped a boundary too soon, and there were times that I’d overthink about my actions. To maintain some semblance of normality, I’d tease him to other people (I had reason to) and shut up about my apprehensions. It worked a little, even for me. A recently-became-close friend and I talked about it and she said that we’d have to DTR soon. In return, I asked, “is there even a relationship to define?” It was a valid question in my opinion. Everything was going so fast and it felt like we were getting carried away by the waves of support that our classmates were giving. I understood that liking someone is nothing serious in his mind; I also knew it need not be. It wasn’t always easy to believe though, given how he can be really sweet sometimes, not to mention the adorable quirks I’ve come to know he has. I just threw a prayer to God and hoped that if it was going to be our last, we might as well have fun at our date.

It was my first time to casual date, so I was nervous as to how I should behave. Fortunately (or not), we’ve become somehow physically comfortable with each other. Holding hands, having his arm around my shoulders, hugging–it all felt natural. I also felt nervous about running out of topics to talk about, but fortunately, we didn’t. We shared jokes and funny stories, even embarrassing ones from his side. After watching The Great Gatsby, we decided that we had some things to talk about. At this point, saying that I was nervous would be an understatement. All that was going through my mind was, “I know where this is going. It’s his final year, and he’s bound to be more focused on his studies…but I really enjoy his company; I don’t want ‘us’ to end like this.”

Thankfully, he was thinking along the same lines. He acknowledged his priorities and said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but may be open to one once he’s graduated. He admitted to not wanting our friendship to end because he also enjoyed having me around. I was going through what I termed ‘guy-withdrawal’ (that is, missing the feeling of being held in someone’s arms and generally being taken care of by a special someone) and agreed to set some boundaries whenever we hung out. He coined a term for our present situation: “MU-friends”. (Later on when I shared this to a guy friend, he told me that it’s similar to what can be known as the ideal MU situation.) We set other rules which I won’t bother to share here; just know that those are rules with which we planned to keep (and prolong, maybe even develop) our current ‘relationship’.

I am no exception when I say that a lot of people fear the unknown. This new ‘relationship’ is uncharted waters for me; and although there is the possibility of discovering hidden treasures, one cannot help but ask if the trip is worth it. But as I said when asked about my philosophy in life,

“Don’t live your life being afraid of doing the wrong things. As Mae West said, ‘To err is human, but it feels divine.'”

Over and out,

*******23

Because I’m Just Plain Boring and Not Adorkable

It’s one of those firsts. In all of the times I’ve written blog posts on different accounts, this is the first time that I won’t be putting in the title first. Because frankly, I don’t know what to call this post. Let’s just see what I have to type.

But, first of all, I’d really like to greet my mom a HAPPY HAPPY 51st BIRTHDAY!! Love you mom! I still think it’s really cool how we’re both the youngest children in our families and how the difference in her and my grandma’s age is 18, same as the difference with my age and hers.

Okay, so back to business. As usual, I’m just typing off of the top of my head, so let me start by the books I’ve read. Yesterday, which I deemed my rest day, I finished 2 books both by Sarra Manning, Adorkable and Unsticky. Both are YA/A books, which means Young Adult and Adult respectively, although I also read Diary of a Crush Book 1: French Kiss, which is a teen book I think (also by her). If you’ve never heard of her, which was the case around a week ago, I HIGHLY recommend that you give her book a twirl! As one of her fans said in a review, “She’s becoming one of my favorite authors, fast.” For the past 3 days I’ve been trying to find links for more free ebooks (yes I know, as Jeane in Adorkable might say, I’m from the dark side with no respect for consumerism, if that sentiment’s right) and I just found 4. I’m reading Let’s Get Lost right now although I know I should really be studying for my Physics exam on Monday, which revolves around Chapters 6-10 of University Physics (Young and Freedman). Oh well. *hooray for lack of self-control*

Topic jump: So I was really inspired by Adorkable because it’s big on expressing yourself and loving your inner dork, which we all have even though we’re afraid of admitting it. So I’ve been thinking yet again about what I think about from time to time: reinventing myself. You see, my family’s just upper middle class and though it’s pretty much alright, times have come that I’ve been having some identity crisis clothes-wise. (As I’m typing these I’m thinking, how shallow can I get worrying about my lack of clothes that express who I really am when people around my country, as well as the world, are suffering from lack of food? But I really can’t do anything about them now. I’m sure I’ll be able to help plenty when I’ve graduated already, so bear with my shallowness for now.) I dream of losing weight (which I really plan to take seriously during the semester break! Cayenne pepper and lemon for detox as well as salads are on the top of my list; salt’s going to be out of the equation to decrease water retention; I plan on gym-ming everyday! The works.) and going to my mom whining about how none of my clothes don’t fit me anymore, prompting her to an impromptu shopping spree. But alas, life isn’t that awesome. Instead right now I’m getting fatter and I just read one of my close friends’ blog last night about how she plans on dieting for two weeks, avoiding whites (flour and sugar) and mainly living on rye bread and salads and organic stuff (browns basically), and it got me thinking why I’m wasting my body away. But times like last night are rare, since nowadays I’m so worried and too caught up in studying to even think about the consequences of eating too much food. I still notice it though, as well as the sad little fact that overeating makes my face break out. *stoic bummer face*

Yet another topic jump: can I just say that I’m really happy for Violet and her current boy? Even though it’s going to be harder for them to get together without any noise, if you get my drift, I’m really happy they’ve found each other. I guess what got me thinking this is because I’ve been kind of nostalgic myself, coming from a falling out with a jerk just last July. Still, we had our moments. I guess partly what brought this on as well is the blog post I read from a friend of mine last night, about her seemingly secret-and-not-so-reasonable (??) crush on a good friend of hers whom she’s always treated like a brother. If you’re reading this, dear friend, please reply to my texts and enlighten me as to what this matter is all about.

That’s all I can think about right now. I’ve been really downright boring lately, even to myself, and it’s like I’m this pit hole of numbness and I don’t know how to get out. I can’t even think of a post-script comment. It’s one of those times that I feel like I’m the least interesting person that exists out there, which prompts me to lose myself in the really pleasant world of books that I so love.

Signing off,

*******23