Things have been really good the last few days. I’ve truly enjoyed spending a whole day with you, basking in anonymity and never worrying, except probably for the little bit at the end about making it back in time because the MRT was packed. And even then, crammed like sardines with lots of strangers, I felt strangely content. Have you heard of the phrase that says something like, “you know you’re truly close with someone if you can be comfortable with them even in silence”? I felt it that day. The lack of need for words, a little touch of the hand or a nudge to reassure one’s self that the other person is still there, asking a question with a look. That day wasn’t very productive but I truly liked the mood and the atmosphere between the two of us.
(This is not to say that I found our conversations and strolls with random stories meaningless and rowdy. It was just a sort of revelation that we can bond even without those.)
But our closeness is a double-edged sword, which is why you were able to tell me the other day that you realized that you were still in the process of moving on. That was okay, and I welcome the way we are open with one another. I also hoped and felt that maybe after the very-unproductive-yet-very-enjoyable day, maybe you’d have moved on a bit more. I do not want to erase your memories of her, because that is escapism. Moving on involves acceptance and still being able to remember past experiences with fondness. But when I saw a picture she posted that you liked, I couldn’t help but think back to how you’re still moving on, how much of a ‘beard’ I actually am, a distraction. And then I berated myself for having no trust in you. And now, I couldn’t help but wonder..
Will it always be like this? The constant battle in my mind whenever you do something remotely related to her. And I’m torn because one one hand, it may also mean that you now feel more comfortable with the idea of having something to do with her again, a sign of acceptance. She’s such a very dear person to me and I know that she’s also such an amazing person who’s hard to let go of. And now I’m not making much sense.. Maybe my dreams will make sense of my thoughts for me.
Itching for sleep,