Tag Archives: future

Almost There

There are only 4 requirements left for the rest of the semester: a paper, two exams and a business  plan presentation.
(However, counting the non-academic things I have going on.. *loses count*)

I can’t believe the semester is almost over. Still, some things don’t change. I’m still awake at 2 in the morning, watching an episode of Fringe Season 2 and writing this blog post, instead of getting some much needed sleep that I haven’t been able to indulge in since forever. I don’t have class tomorrow, but I go to school to hang out and study with my guy, going to organization events later in the afternoon. My bags are messy, there’s a tab where Facebook is open, and I just killed an hour earlier tonight browsing Instagram.

Many things don’t change.

Yet I believe that this semester changed me in many ways I didn’t expect. I didn’t make as much progress on my thesis as I’d be comfortable with, yet I feel as tired as the rest of my block mates who got to present their preliminary results in local and internation conferences. I almost didn’t read a single fictional book for the entire semester, giving in just this week (and it’s the last week of regular classes). I actually read multiple textbooks on the same topics, never mind the repetitive principles. Surprisingly, I even got to score high enough as to be the top 8 scorer (we were only 30+ so it wasn’t that great of a feat) on an exam in a subject taught by our institute director . I didn’t know I was capable of these things: of discipline, or a more efficient strategy for time management, of actually excelling in my academics while trying to be more involved in my newest organization and also maintaining a relationship.

It wasn’t easy, but it seems that  I pulled through.
And now, there’s almost only 6 months left before I have to face what’s out there.

When people say that being a student is the easiest thing to be throughout your whole life, career-wise that is, it’s because students’ lives are predictable to the point of being boring and cumbersome. They are provided sets of predetermined tests and lessons to plow through for a certain number of years, with the expectation of absorbing at least a certain amount. Never mind that they may end up an insurance agent even with a Math degree. I have never really believed in that–in fact, I believe that being a student was harder in that you had no choice but adhere to the path that the academe has laid out for you. There is little room for maneuvering, and those that don’t survive or choose to drop out statistically end up with menial jobs and a lack of opportunities. I viewed it as societal manipulation in the most clever way: targeting both fear of the inability to provide for oneself and the desire to live in comfort, even luxury.

But when I think now of what I plan to do after graduation (if, God willing, I graduate on time), I begin to realize that the saying is true. The ‘real world’ sounds scary because there are a lot of unpredicatabilities. I realize that, in 6 months’ time, I cannot simply just wake up in the morning and worry about what to wear, whether all my notebooks are in my bag, if I have my ID with me. I cannot plan if I’m going to be studying during the weekend for an exam in the next coming week. I would have to look at schools to apply, a visa to apply for, scholarships whose basic requirements I qualify for. I’d have to finally apply for a passport. Most importantly, I will be subjecting myself to the utmost unpredictability of getting accepted to both a (full) scholarship and a forensic school. I know that these, in my case, cannot be mutually exclusive.

The line I’d have to traverse seems fairly straight, but experience teaches us that it is rarely the case. I guess that’s why they had to differentiate distance from displacement. Yet this unpredictability is what most crave for: the ability to choose what they want to do and the freedom to follow through with it. For me, it seems almost like a challenge to my upbringing, if what I’ve garnered over the years is enough to earn my survival in the wild.

I feel excited but I don’t think I’m ready. Not yet.
I still have six months to procrastinate, as typical of most students.

But I do know..
I’m almost there.

*******23

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Summer Lovin’ and Whatever May Come

Near the end of January last year, I met a person whom I was to become very close to for the next couple of months. We grew to like each other and thought that it would be a wonderful idea to attend summer classes together. Things ended badly but him being my first love, I cannot deny that he’ll always hold a special place in my heart. Afterward, I grew pessimistic about my chances of meeting someone else. Little did I know about the surprises this summer had for me.

Having felt love, I can truly and honestly say that I don’t love this person in that manner (yet?), although I do know that I love him as a friend. We haven’t known each other that long, but seeing and/or talking to one another everyday helped speed up our getting-to-know phase. During our class’ field trip, we started talking to each other (to be honest, I didn’t really pay much attention to him except that he was my group-mate in previous activities) and our classmates started teasing us, calling us the names of a love-team from a famous local movie that was shown during the bus ride. We didn’t mind them and took the teasing in stride for we knew that there wasn’t really anything to be ‘guilty’ of; we just enjoyed each other’s company and enjoyed talking to one another. This was further cemented by the conversation I had with him while he was drunk.

Post-field trip, I found out that he was part of the sports organization whose PE course I was taking (also this summer). This only served to widen our common ground, and I tried to convince him to play with the club’s other members against my PE class. Eventually, we got to texting and chatting on Facebook. We’d chat until the wee hours of the morning, and jokingly blame each other for sleeping too late. Eventually, he asked me out on a date–a legit one, although he apparently planned it to be a friendly one originally. In class, we let our classmates have their fun at teasing us; in private, we just got to know each other better and rarely became cheesy. Over the past couple of days, I admittedly became frustrated of how his ‘online self’ oftentimes does not coincide with his ‘real self’. It’s as if he becomes a different person when there are people around: he keeps his distance and acts as if we were just acquaintances. I’ve thought that I may be reading too much into his ‘detachment’–after all, expectations breed disappointment–and tried consulting a couple of close friends whom I also just made in the same class. Then and there I decided to be Taoist when it came to him and embody wu wei. But then I got drunk.

It was the day of our charity event to a home for the aged (the first of which I’d heard of in the Philippines). Since we finished early, someone proposed that we hang out and drink some; I honestly went along because I wanted to hang out with them and thought there would be karaoke. I wasn’t really into senseless drinking: that is, drinking for the sake of getting drunk. It happened accidentally, of course (’twas my first time. I’m not proud of it but it happened. At least I am more knowledgeable of my limits now.), but I didn’t know I’d be very..uninhibited and..clingy. I don’t know how our classmates called me ‘cute’; maybe because I insisted on sleeping and he insisted on putting my head on his shoulder, saying that he doesn’t want me to trade him for a table. To sum it all up, we were very couple-y. He even took me home, out of a mixture of concern for my well-being and because he likes me (his words, not mine). It still amazes me to this day how I felt so protected as he took me home, and even as he prevented me from going home before I’d sobered up a little. Brought up as a rather independent woman, acting like that and being like that has ever entered my mind. Truly, I think we kind-of ‘floored the gas’ with that experience.

It felt rather awkward for me to approach him after that. I felt that I’d overstepped a boundary too soon, and there were times that I’d overthink about my actions. To maintain some semblance of normality, I’d tease him to other people (I had reason to) and shut up about my apprehensions. It worked a little, even for me. A recently-became-close friend and I talked about it and she said that we’d have to DTR soon. In return, I asked, “is there even a relationship to define?” It was a valid question in my opinion. Everything was going so fast and it felt like we were getting carried away by the waves of support that our classmates were giving. I understood that liking someone is nothing serious in his mind; I also knew it need not be. It wasn’t always easy to believe though, given how he can be really sweet sometimes, not to mention the adorable quirks I’ve come to know he has. I just threw a prayer to God and hoped that if it was going to be our last, we might as well have fun at our date.

It was my first time to casual date, so I was nervous as to how I should behave. Fortunately (or not), we’ve become somehow physically comfortable with each other. Holding hands, having his arm around my shoulders, hugging–it all felt natural. I also felt nervous about running out of topics to talk about, but fortunately, we didn’t. We shared jokes and funny stories, even embarrassing ones from his side. After watching The Great Gatsby, we decided that we had some things to talk about. At this point, saying that I was nervous would be an understatement. All that was going through my mind was, “I know where this is going. It’s his final year, and he’s bound to be more focused on his studies…but I really enjoy his company; I don’t want ‘us’ to end like this.”

Thankfully, he was thinking along the same lines. He acknowledged his priorities and said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but may be open to one once he’s graduated. He admitted to not wanting our friendship to end because he also enjoyed having me around. I was going through what I termed ‘guy-withdrawal’ (that is, missing the feeling of being held in someone’s arms and generally being taken care of by a special someone) and agreed to set some boundaries whenever we hung out. He coined a term for our present situation: “MU-friends”. (Later on when I shared this to a guy friend, he told me that it’s similar to what can be known as the ideal MU situation.) We set other rules which I won’t bother to share here; just know that those are rules with which we planned to keep (and prolong, maybe even develop) our current ‘relationship’.

I am no exception when I say that a lot of people fear the unknown. This new ‘relationship’ is uncharted waters for me; and although there is the possibility of discovering hidden treasures, one cannot help but ask if the trip is worth it. But as I said when asked about my philosophy in life,

“Don’t live your life being afraid of doing the wrong things. As Mae West said, ‘To err is human, but it feels divine.'”

Over and out,

*******23