“How are you doing now?”
You text, just like any other moment
On any other day.
I don’t reply ’cause
I don’t know what to say.
You bombard me with
Stories of things that amused you:
Cara Delevingne for Topman/Topshop
Your brother’s antics
Where you ate lunch at
(That Burger King shop we frequent?)
I don’t know how to do this,
I don’t know how you do.
Like everything’s just normal–
Well, that’s just bull.
On the back of my mind
I can’t erase your face
Looking lost, like you just had
A sad epiphany
And I have no idea what triggered it.
I stare at the screen
Of my computer
Codes not making sense
Unable to follow simple instructions
To make some program work.
Most everything else seems trivial now.
I can’t focus
But I can’t rant
Specially not on social sites; you might see.
I don’t want you to worry.
Heck, I don’t want to be worried
But I can’t help it.
It’s noon already
On a Sunday
And I have two papers and
An exam on Tuesday
So as I sit here
Tears streaming down my face
Texting you like everything’s okay
I’m truly thinking:
“Thank God for blogs.”
Only had one non-coffee drink the whole day
And yet the caffeine has run out of my veins.
And instead of figuring out some program
I spent the brain power on you.
It was not what I wanted, it was not what I chose
But you won’t get out of my head even as I shoved.
You told me I ground you
Then you warn me that you might sink
Into depression in the next few days
And I couldn’t help but feel.. helpless.
Not knowing what goes on in your brain
Specially at times like this kills me
But I can’t force you to tell me things.
I don’t want to.
I want you to feel free to tell me things:
From crazy trips to happy memories,
From corny jokes to ambitious dreams.
Drown me in your emotions
Happiness, anger, sadness, frustration–
Anything but this isolation is preferred.
I may not have the time to see you everyday
Nor may I be always attentive to my phone
But I will always have time for this.
Time for your feelings, your apprehensions,
your fears–time. For. You.
I already gave you the ticket,
You only need to claim the price.
But I know that it’s true,
What a friend used to say:
And I am.
But I’ll understand
(Oh, I’ll try my hardest)
If you choose to keep things from me
Because I know that not everyone
Deals with things as I do.
Specially not you.
I can only hope
That someday, you will feel
That it’s alright to let go
Of thoughts and emotions
Specially to me.