“How are you doing now?”
You text, just like any other moment
On any other day.
I don’t reply ’cause
I don’t know what to say.
You bombard me with
Stories of things that amused you:
Cara Delevingne for Topman/Topshop
Your brother’s antics
Where you ate lunch at
(That Burger King shop we frequent?)
I don’t know how to do this,
I don’t know how you do.
Like everything’s just normal–
Well, that’s just bull.
On the back of my mind
I can’t erase your face
Looking lost, like you just had
A sad epiphany
And I have no idea what triggered it.
I stare at the screen
Of my computer
Codes not making sense
Unable to follow simple instructions
To make some program work.
Most everything else seems trivial now.
I can’t focus
But I can’t rant
Specially not on social sites; you might see.
I don’t want you to worry.
Heck, I don’t want to be worried
But I can’t help it.
It’s noon already
On a Sunday
And I have two papers and
An exam on Tuesday
So as I sit here
Tears streaming down my face
Texting you like everything’s okay
I’m truly thinking:
“Thank God for blogs.”
Only had one non-coffee drink the whole day
And yet the caffeine has run out of my veins.
And instead of figuring out some program
I spent the brain power on you.
It was not what I wanted, it was not what I chose
But you won’t get out of my head even as I shoved.
You told me I ground you
Then you warn me that you might sink
Into depression in the next few days
And I couldn’t help but feel.. helpless.
Not knowing what goes on in your brain
Specially at times like this kills me
But I can’t force you to tell me things.
I don’t want to.
I want you to feel free to tell me things:
From crazy trips to happy memories,
From corny jokes to ambitious dreams.
Drown me in your emotions
Happiness, anger, sadness, frustration–
Anything but this isolation is preferred.
I may not have the time to see you everyday
Nor may I be always attentive to my phone
But I will always have time for this.
Time for your feelings, your apprehensions,
your fears–time. For. You.
I already gave you the ticket,
You only need to claim the price.
But I know that it’s true,
What a friend used to say:
And I am.
But I’ll understand
(Oh, I’ll try my hardest)
If you choose to keep things from me
Because I know that not everyone
Deals with things as I do.
Specially not you.
I can only hope
That someday, you will feel
That it’s alright to let go
Of thoughts and emotions
Specially to me.
Would be so much easier
If we just admit
What we (really) mean to each other.
Hurts can be avoided,
No tiptoeing around
For thinking of the other
Will make us act on moral ground.
No explicit considerations,
Only automatic ones,
For warnings are not needed
If danger isn’t to come.
But it’s all up to you
To make up your mind;
I’ll be here, waiting
Just one step behind.