That’s all I’ve been telling myself nowadays. I’ve known it all along yet I still consider these thoughts that are meant to justify wrongdoings, letting myself go, etc. I don’t know if it’s fear of uncertainty that prevents me from going forward, from leaving the seemingly safe nest of familiar things and emotions I’ve surrounded myself with; but today, I’ve had enough. Living safe isn’t an option anymore, when it leaves me feeling emptier than before. I should live up to my ideals and never settle for less.
Just this afternoon, I was purchasing a drink I’ve never seen before and I told a friend who was with me that I usually try new drinks at that particular store. He asked me, “Aren’t you afraid of just..trying out new things?”
I answered him with a question: “Isn’t that how you discover great things?”
And that’s how it should be.
So from today (or tomorrow, because I’m already bone tired as I write this), I’ll be gathering my resolve. I’ll force myself to delve into the world of the unknown, whether it be finding related literature to my thesis, focusing on my introduction to forensics online course, and recently enrolled online course involving biological analyses using computers. I will stop immersing myself in useless sweet nothings, and welcome the thrill of unravelling the mysteries of everyday life, be it simple things or meeting new people or discovering new things (or new distractions). I will stop paying attention to things and people not worthy of it. You can’t please everyone. And, like Augustus said in The Fault In Our Stars, you can’t choose whether you get hurt or not, but you do have a say in who hurts you.
Mulling over the way the leaves of the trees move in the wind,
Where to begin? I guess I’ve been setting myself up for this day, thinking that I would be able to do whatever I put my mind to. But my body had other plans.
This post is impulsive, because I just had to get out of the confines of my head, which at the moment is obsessed with reading the Hollows series by Kim Harrison. My mind seems to have forgotten that I have papers and exams coming up, and decided to let me stay up until the wee hours of the morning just reading. Finishing 3 books in four days when you still have to go to school for a minimum of 8 hours a day, plus gym thrice a week, and still get to do all the homeworks and read all the assigned journals and books is no small feat. Probably exactly why I wasn’t able to accomplish it.
Today was the last exam for the first half of one of my majors – and I totally bombed the it. I think I’d be lucky to get 30 percent from the restriction mapping and the other things I was able to guess, but I don’t plan on getting my hopes higher than that. I didn’t want this to happen to me, or at least that’s what I keep thinking. For the past few days, my classmates have been studying their butts off for the exam and doing papers while I work on papers and read Harrison’s novels. And to think I plan on applying for the laboratory of the teacher whose test I bombed.. I don’t know what’s going on with me, and what blew my priorities away.
I truly hope I’d be able to get back on track. Thankfully, there are still some silver linings in this huge, threatening cloud. Having finished books 2-4 of the Hollows series (namely, The Good, the Bad, and the Undead; Every Which Way But Dead; and A Fistful of Charms), I now bring my 2014 reading goal to 5 down, 18 to go! Yes, this series is violent and has a little bit of erotica woven into it (because where there are vampires, sex often follows) but the way K. Harrison wrote the books makes me want to live in that world she has created. Oh, when will the Turn take place on my Earth?
To clarify: I wasn’t able to finish studying for my exam because I fell asleep. ‘Finish studying’ is even pushing it, since I didn’t even get to read or go through at least half of the coverage of the exam. I also wasn’t able to finish a paper on biological ballistics due today, but the universe/God decided to give me a helping hand and our 10 am-1 pm class was cancelled, giving me loads of time to finish it. Which brings to mind: why am I writing a blog post when I should be finishing the paper? The fate of the paper solely rests on my laptop’s battery; thank God I had the sense to buy one from Acer’s Aspire Timeline X line.
To finish this post, I admit that this is one of those times that I truly lost track of what I’m supposed to be focusing on at this point in my life. While I know I’m going to be regretting the results of my lack of sense of priority, I don’t regret the things I did. I truly enjoyed myself while doing them, even when they added virtually irreversible bags under my eyes. And to top it all off, I still have my gym time to look forward to this afternoon. I guess it isn’t all so bad, right? But if the Sorting Hat was to have a say, I doubt he’d consider putting me in Hufflepuff even for just a second.
“..For I’m the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, and I can cap them all.
There’s nothing hidden in your head the Sorting Hat can’t see,
So try me on and I will tell you where you ought to be.
You might belong in Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart;
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal;
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true and unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, if you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin, you’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means to achieve their ends.
So put me on! Don’t be afraid! And don’t get in a flap!
You’re in safe hands (though I have none), for I’m a Thinking Cap!” — excerpt from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
It’s school tomorrow, and I have mixed feelings about it. I don’t know if I’ve blogged about this before, but I think this is something that a lot of other people also feel whenever the resumption of classes looms over us.
I don’t know if I should feel glad at the prospect of being reunited with my blockmate-friends, whom I’ve barely talked to the whole Christmas break. Taking a breather from socializing was nice, but there’s nothing like being with your currently-closest friends to make you drag yourself out of bed, even if it means getting up at the crack of dawn everyday.
On the other hand, I feel apprehensive about facing everything school represents: grades, teachers, exams, papers, you name it. I still have a whole lot of things to do (all for this week):
Write an essay about a local film critiquing its different meanings.
Watch 2 modules’ worth of short video clips (around 20+ clips) for a double-quiz.
Research and compile our paper (which is apparently a full-blown lab report) for a lab class.
Download, install, and familiarize myself with VMD (Visual Molecular Dynamics) and NAMD (*something*).
Despite the way I ended the last year (with a bang, just like my last post; I got a whopping 80++% on my Immunology exam! And this is my most decent grade yet in any subject taught by that specific teacher), I can’t help but feel sometimes that I might have bitten off more than I could chew by taking this course. I would have been tempted to wish for more time if it were Christmas; but as a Facebook friend said, there’s no point in asking for more time if you don’t have the initiative or motivation to spend that time wisely.
I guess the logical solution would be to end writing this post and get on with my paper or other requirements, right? 😉
Maybe I should just keep in mind that I’m lucky to be the recipient of an excellent education, and that I have awesome people who are also suffering having the time of their lives alongside me, by taking this course. Since I’ve finished re-reading HP #3 already (and well into the 4th book! I think I’d watch the movies after all these as well..), I can’t help but envy Harry’s enthusiasm to go back to school, even if it’s mostly propelled by the desire to get away from the Dursley’s; as well as Hermione’s willingness to learn and the way she just.. devours textbooks! I wish that girl would give me a piece of that amazing brain of hers.
“If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won’t stop him,” growled Hagrid. “Stop Lily an’ James Potter’s son goin’ ter Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name’s been down ever since he was born. He’s off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won’t know himself..”
–excerpt from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
Merry Christmas everyone! With barely half an hour left (in my country, at least) before the 25th is over, I will share to you things that both befuddle me, amuse me, and make me proud. 🙂 so to jumpstart the Christmas feelings in this post:
Let’s start with Personal Bests.
My last post was about (re)discovering the joy of running. Since then, I have made an effort to jog every other day, a chain that was broken by today (although I did jog last Sunday & Monday). If you don’t know yet, I just started this last December 16, in an effort to jumpstart my way into fitness and not seem like a complete unfit snail compared to my HS-BFF-cum-running-veteran friend, rainbowraid. I’ve always thought of myself as a sprinter kind of runner, which was why it was no surprise that I found it hard to run 2.2 km straight on the first try. Since then though, I’d like to think I’ve improved 🙂 here are some of the recent achievements I’m proud of: Longest continuous run: 3.95 km in 20’24”; average pace: 5’10” per km. Fastest 3k: 18’55”. Fastest 1k: 4’59”. Sprint record: 0.22 km in 43 SECONDS; average pace: 3’19” per km.
As evident by the ALL CAPS, I’m most specially proud of the sprint record because it’s apparently fast (faster than a 6-minute mile) and the time it took me to run that 220 m is ‘just’ twice the world record for women (21.34 sec, Florence Griffith). Considering I haven’t been physically active in months, this just makes me proud.
Onto Common Names.
For this to make sense, you have to keep in mind that one of my preferred nicknames is “Ana”. What a really common name, right? Although it may be typically spelled as “Anna”, you’d think that my cousins and other relatives won’t find it hard to remember that my name only has a single ‘n’. But no.
I don’t know how to feel about this year’s Christmas haul, besides thankful of course. While I’m touched that almost everything non-monetary I received was in shades of violet, I can’t help but wonder how they seem to know my favorite color yet can’t remember my name properly. So here are the gifts addressed to “Ana”, “Anna”, and.. “Anne”:
Violet/purple Lacoste sling bag
Purple Kipling purse
Dark violet Kipling wallet
Dress with purple patterns
Lots of moolah \:D/
Oh, and my doctor cousin suddenly asked us out of nowhere who wants a pair of contact lenses. When she said they were green, I was like THAT’S MINE and I got it!! (Yeah, I’m one of those girls who wants to go for the fair-skinned, auburn/red hair with green eyes look.) All in all, I’d say it was an awesome haul.
Last but not the least, my sister and I weighed ourselves today. While I’m truly happy for her weight loss, which is already a whopping 10+ lbs in the last few weeks, I can’t help but be alarmed and frustrated at the same time by the fact that our weights only differ by 6 lbs now! I’ve been maintaining (w/ or without effort) my weight ever since getting out of high school, so imagine my frustration when my sister (who, by the way, used to be the slimmest of us 3 and at one point became the fattest) goes off and sheds weight like it’s tattered clothing while I run and eat moderately and nothing happens. Of course this may just be attributed to her on-the-job training at a local buffet restaurant, but this is really weird considering she didn’t lose any weight despite joining a gym for 2 months or so a couple of months back. Definitely befuddled and having mixed feelings about this one.
Over and out,
P.S. I don’t know why but whenever I find it hard to put on contact lenses, I find it easy to take them off and vice versa. Why is it never both easy?
A college girl not just trying to survive, but to live. Well, survive, mostly.