I’m so confused.
Today, I broke my personal coffee cup. Not on purpose; it slipped from my grasp, but I don’t understand how it happened. I wasn’t holding anything else with the hand holding it, and it’s just too stupid to attribute it to drowsiness, since I got up like 30 minutes ago.
I can’t help but think that it’s an omen or a manifestation of the internal turmoil building inside of me. The guy I’ve been posting about, my muse for the last poem? He’s finally came around, emotionally, and I’ve never felt so gratified about making an effort about someone. We’ve cleared up how we’ve come to feel about each other. To quote one of the touching things he said,
Love and relationships are strange things, for something that can make you feel like the world is yours would also make you feel tortured–and yet people seek it. I wasn’t seeking it but it came to me.
His mother’s apprehensions about him entering a relationship came up, since he was quite a wreck from his previous one. That plus my mother’s misgivings, including that he may be a distraction from my focusing during my last year of college, challenged me to prove them wrong. I can say that I’ve been the more stable one lately, for I’ve been avoiding being attached to him due to previous conversations in which he made it clear that ‘us’ would never work out. He’s admitted that he doesn’t experience the stability I experience, emotionally, but then he hasn’t been holding himself back almost the entire time like I’ve been.
I want to make this work, for both of us, because I like how we support each other’s ventures and interests; it feels more mature than the last ‘relationship’ (for my last ‘serious’ guy and I never got to be together) I’ve been in. We’re both graduating next year, so we know where our priorities lie. Also, I really like how we can just be together in person and not feel the need to say anything to each other. Our coffee shop ‘dates’ felt really comforting and..something, I don’t know what’s the word for it. The feeling of being productive, feeling the support from across the table, then glancing up to find him studying his paper intently or to find him glancing at me; him reaching his hand across the table, seeking mine, all the while still studying. I still don’t think we have much conversational chemistry, but I know I can’t help grinning like a fool whenever I see him. I also think it’s nice how we are in very different fields of study yet we feel comfortable sharing things about our work to each other. I’ve come to learn how his mind wanders when he becomes quiet, but more recently I know they’ve been wandering to other things still related to me. I feel chastised yet cared for when he expresses concern about my safety, for he’s rarely (never, so far) too pushy about it. He understands that I am my own woman, that I know what I’m doing.
Wow, blogging really enables me to reflect. When I started writing this post, I was in turmoil for I felt stuck yesterday. After The Talk on Friday night, I was feeling just.. ‘meh’ yesterday while talking to him! I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. All the time he was happily sharing things with me, and I actually felt the urge to stop replying! Then last night, I dreamt about being in relationships with 2 different boys (a local celebrity and another guy from school whom I know is in a stable relationship) and I couldn’t understand how my subconscious could have dreamt those scenarios up. But now, I think I’ve gained clarity and perspective.
Hoping things turn out well,