Tag Archives: sweet

Summer Lovin’ and Whatever May Come

Near the end of January last year, I met a person whom I was to become very close to for the next couple of months. We grew to like each other and thought that it would be a wonderful idea to attend summer classes together. Things ended badly but him being my first love, I cannot deny that he’ll always hold a special place in my heart. Afterward, I grew pessimistic about my chances of meeting someone else. Little did I know about the surprises this summer had for me.

Having felt love, I can truly and honestly say that I don’t love this person in that manner (yet?), although I do know that I love him as a friend. We haven’t known each other that long, but seeing and/or talking to one another everyday helped speed up our getting-to-know phase. During our class’ field trip, we started talking to each other (to be honest, I didn’t really pay much attention to him except that he was my group-mate in previous activities) and our classmates started teasing us, calling us the names of a love-team from a famous local movie that was shown during the bus ride. We didn’t mind them and took the teasing in stride for we knew that there wasn’t really anything to be ‘guilty’ of; we just enjoyed each other’s company and enjoyed talking to one another. This was further cemented by the conversation I had with him while he was drunk.

Post-field trip, I found out that he was part of the sports organization whose PE course I was taking (also this summer). This only served to widen our common ground, and I tried to convince him to play with the club’s other members against my PE class. Eventually, we got to texting and chatting on Facebook. We’d chat until the wee hours of the morning, and jokingly blame each other for sleeping too late. Eventually, he asked me out on a date–a legit one, although he apparently planned it to be a friendly one originally. In class, we let our classmates have their fun at teasing us; in private, we just got to know each other better and rarely became cheesy. Over the past couple of days, I admittedly became frustrated of how his ‘online self’ oftentimes does not coincide with his ‘real self’. It’s as if he becomes a different person when there are people around: he keeps his distance and acts as if we were just acquaintances. I’ve thought that I may be reading too much into his ‘detachment’–after all, expectations breed disappointment–and tried consulting a couple of close friends whom I also just made in the same class. Then and there I decided to be Taoist when it came to him and embody wu wei. But then I got drunk.

It was the day of our charity event to a home for the aged (the first of which I’d heard of in the Philippines). Since we finished early, someone proposed that we hang out and drink some; I honestly went along because I wanted to hang out with them and thought there would be karaoke. I wasn’t really into senseless drinking: that is, drinking for the sake of getting drunk. It happened accidentally, of course (’twas my first time. I’m not proud of it but it happened. At least I am more knowledgeable of my limits now.), but I didn’t know I’d be very..uninhibited and..clingy. I don’t know how our classmates called me ‘cute’; maybe because I insisted on sleeping and he insisted on putting my head on his shoulder, saying that he doesn’t want me to trade him for a table. To sum it all up, we were very couple-y. He even took me home, out of a mixture of concern for my well-being and because he likes me (his words, not mine). It still amazes me to this day how I felt so protected as he took me home, and even as he prevented me from going home before I’d sobered up a little. Brought up as a rather independent woman, acting like that and being like that has ever entered my mind. Truly, I think we kind-of ‘floored the gas’ with that experience.

It felt rather awkward for me to approach him after that. I felt that I’d overstepped a boundary too soon, and there were times that I’d overthink about my actions. To maintain some semblance of normality, I’d tease him to other people (I had reason to) and shut up about my apprehensions. It worked a little, even for me. A recently-became-close friend and I talked about it and she said that we’d have to DTR soon. In return, I asked, “is there even a relationship to define?” It was a valid question in my opinion. Everything was going so fast and it felt like we were getting carried away by the waves of support that our classmates were giving. I understood that liking someone is nothing serious in his mind; I also knew it need not be. It wasn’t always easy to believe though, given how he can be really sweet sometimes, not to mention the adorable quirks I’ve come to know he has. I just threw a prayer to God and hoped that if it was going to be our last, we might as well have fun at our date.

It was my first time to casual date, so I was nervous as to how I should behave. Fortunately (or not), we’ve become somehow physically comfortable with each other. Holding hands, having his arm around my shoulders, hugging–it all felt natural. I also felt nervous about running out of topics to talk about, but fortunately, we didn’t. We shared jokes and funny stories, even embarrassing ones from his side. After watching The Great Gatsby, we decided that we had some things to talk about. At this point, saying that I was nervous would be an understatement. All that was going through my mind was, “I know where this is going. It’s his final year, and he’s bound to be more focused on his studies…but I really enjoy his company; I don’t want ‘us’ to end like this.”

Thankfully, he was thinking along the same lines. He acknowledged his priorities and said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but may be open to one once he’s graduated. He admitted to not wanting our friendship to end because he also enjoyed having me around. I was going through what I termed ‘guy-withdrawal’ (that is, missing the feeling of being held in someone’s arms and generally being taken care of by a special someone) and agreed to set some boundaries whenever we hung out. He coined a term for our present situation: “MU-friends”. (Later on when I shared this to a guy friend, he told me that it’s similar to what can be known as the ideal MU situation.) We set other rules which I won’t bother to share here; just know that those are rules with which we planned to keep (and prolong, maybe even develop) our current ‘relationship’.

I am no exception when I say that a lot of people fear the unknown. This new ‘relationship’ is uncharted waters for me; and although there is the possibility of discovering hidden treasures, one cannot help but ask if the trip is worth it. But as I said when asked about my philosophy in life,

“Don’t live your life being afraid of doing the wrong things. As Mae West said, ‘To err is human, but it feels divine.'”

Over and out,

*******23

The Things I Hate About You

You. Yes you. I’m supposed to be studying for a finals exam right now, but instead, I’m wondering who is it you really like, why you act that way, etc. I won’t go too far as to say “you’ve been inside my head all day” but why do you have to be such a distraction? And because I am also frustrated at myself for liking, or even just thinking about you, here goes:

1. You appeared in my dreams the other day, and I’ve been thinking about you more ever since. I don’t know how you got in there as I wasn’t particularly thinking about you beforehand. Also, what’s irksome about that dream was that it was quite long, so a lot of stuff happened, including 4 kisses (just smacks though, nothing PG-13) on the mouth that you stole! Literally. They’re the sort of kisses that are blush-inducing and quite embarrassing for me, then you’d get this smug look afterwards which did not help calm me down. My dream self felt giddy when they happened because it was so unexpected, so uncharacteristic of you. But at the same time, I can see you acting that way: a little more self-assured, self-accepting, and playfully teasing (which you already are.).

2. You’re so unreadable, feelings-wise about girls. Why? Why is it that you keep changing your mind? One minute you don’t like anyone, another minute you’re waiting for the right girl to come along. Your indecision is causing war inside my head! One part of me is thinking “there just might be hope for me yet” while another is thinking “he’s a lost cause” (add another part who’s saying “you’re not his type”.) which brings me to my next point..

3. You’re such a.. I was supposed to say “flirt” but thinking back, I’m not sure that’s what you’re being. It might be. But knowing you, it’s most probably not. I think that’s the effect I get some of the times you interacted with me because you tease me a lot, and you make me smile, and you smile when I smile. I don’t think you know this but you’re very cute when you smile. You get this childish twinkle in your eyes, specially when you deny something or you try to find a way past an accusation. You generally don’t get physically close or in-contact with people (as far as I know) and yet a few times when we discussed things, I can’t help but notice how our arms were touching. (UGH knock me out with a club now, why don’t you. #neanderthal)

4. You’re equally a sport and not driven by peer-pressure. I’m actually not sure about this one anymore, but one of the things I really admire(d) about you as a person was that once you set your mind to something, nobody can persuade you to do otherwise. It may be simple things–having your picture taken, going out to eat with the rest of the class–but you always stood your ground. You couldn’t be called a killjoy because you don’t refuse too many things, just those that you (appeared to) not want to do. Recently though, you’ve changed. You’re quite the ‘sport’ now, obliging other’s requests even if they’d have to push/pull/haul you to do the deed. Part of me has not given up on the idea that there’s still a part of you that does not succumb to peer pressure, but only time can really tell.

5. The Booth. This is related to number 4 and it really broke my heart when this took place. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t love you, but I do really like you, a lot. I think it’s almost 2 years now? You’re not the most remarkable guy and yet, you’re the one who gets to me the most. I used to hang out with you and other friends, including this girl you’re being teased to, for one semester. That’s the thing–you’re being teased to this girl and both of you deny liking each other, and yet you let yourself be dragged to a photobooth and have your picture taken with her. 4 shots! (huhu 1 for each dream kiss) one in which you were even carrying her, princess-style, just because someone suggested so and you said you can do it (because you are strong; you weren’t a booster for nothing!) You weren’t smiling in the shots, using your usual poker-face, but you still let yourself be positioned in ‘suggestive’ poses. Going along with the crowd, even when it bothered me, I even helped position your hand into a half-heart. Maybe I was one of the people at the front of the crowd, but you were looking into my eyes from time to time throughout the shot and I swear it seemed as though your eyes were saying something, asking something. What did those looks mean? Why were you even looking? Did my smile and laughter seem too fake? I just couldn’t bear the happy atmosphere and how our crowd of batch-mates were cheering on for both of you that I just had to ‘sideline’ a friend and tell her it hurt. I just had to.

6. You’re like-able. And it’s not just me who thinks so. You may not think it, but you have this really cute charming appearance (did I just really use the word ‘charming’? *face-palm*) and you look fun to be with, which you are. There’s a reason some girls asked about you when our block went to a party. Also, you’re personality is so endearing. I guess that’s why I can’t really blame the girl you’re being teased to if she ever likes you. Oh yeah, another frustrating thing: I was talking to her, having a semi-heart-to-heart, and she confided that if she’s going to like anyone among her guy friends, you’re at the top of the list.

7. I don’t know you that well, and I’m afraid the opportunity won’t present itself. I’m realistic: I know that I’m not the type of girl someone likes from a distance. Based on experience, guys just like me after they get to know me, and vice versa. But we’re not that close! We have common friends but we don’t really talk about ‘real’ things: things outside of school, about our families, friends, likes, dislikes, etc. And I know that girl you’re being teased to most probably knows you better because she’s partly a member of your inner circle. The time might come when I’ll have no choice but to watch something develop between the two of you (or you develop something with someone else). I just wish we have more things in common, more topics we can talk about (and be at ease with each other while talking about them). I’m happy we have this inside joke going on, but I feel as if our conversations revolve around it half the time. While it gives me an excuse to talk to you and tease you back, I just know it’s not going to be enough.

Over and out,

*******23

Silver Anniversary

This day last year, my sisters and I decided to take our mom out for dinner, because my dad couldn’t be there for their own anniversary. There was a mishap with one of my sisters disappearing for a couple of hours without notice, which ruined the dinner because we were looking for her. That was a really bad time, what with her then-recent diagnosis of having bipolar disorder that just increased the tension within our family.

But hopefully, things will be different now. Just a few days ago, I woke up in our car to the loud conversations of my sister, mom, and dad. Things have been a lot better lately: my dad visits us at least two times a week, and he spends the night from time to time. He gives my mom weekly massages (I appreciate their new-found sweetness but I still hope that’s all they’re doing) and generally, there have been no walkouts. Okay fine, maybe there was one.

Anyway, they were talking about dates and they realized that this year is their 25th anniversary. I was shocked, thinking “wow, my parents are that old.” My next thought was, “I’m really proud they lasted this long”. My family has been through a lot, with and without my dad, but I never gave up hope for reconciliation. Admittedly, my dad had many faults and had been an unfit father for years. Nevertheless, I often try to focus on the good stuff about him, mainly because I knew that expecting that he’ll change will be setting my self up for disappointment. As time passed, he’s become more lenient and outgoing to us; he rarely lectures us anymore on things that our religions don’t agree on, and a good time’s often guaranteed when he visits. I think we all subconsciously prolong our patience and extend our understanding when he’s around.

Here’s to good times. Happy Silver Anniversary, Mom and Dad! 🙂 I will always be proud to be your daughter. Without you and the experiences I’ve had with you, good and bad, and the things you both taught me, together and individually, I wouldn’t be this (awesome) person right now. I attribute.. 90% of that awesomeness to you. 😀 I’m so glad things are better now. Thank you for everything you’ve provided for my sisters and I, thank you for trusting us in stuff that matters, and for trying to adjust to modern times just to be able to compromise. Thank you for being there when the going gets rough, and for cheering us up even for the simple things (semi-high grades, or just passing a really hard test, etc.) Spread the love ❤

25 years of love, strength, and friendship. <3
25 years of love, strength, and friendship. ❤

With things looking up, I feel quite positive that my parents will last much, much longer. Like, forever.

Over and out,

*******23

Red Velvet Memories

No, I am not talking about the cake/cupcake flavor. For Christmas 2012, The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (hereafter known as CBTL) made this flavor their “featured drink of the month”. The first reason this became memorable is when I drank it cold while waiting for Violet last Tuesday, December 18, 2012 for our catch-up girl-bonding session. That day there were many things we talked about for we haven’t been able to really talk the past couple of days, and the Lantern Parade again proved to be a very explosive affair (no pun intended–though I loved the fireworks. Gold sparks!) so we had lots of stuff to say. Afterwards, she burned me at Xbox Kinect (Dance Central), but that’s an entirely different matter.

However, nothing’s new in what I’ve written above. We’ve had our bonding moments and we’re very close. What’s driving me to write this post is something that I cannot share with all who can access this post, as it is something I personally would like to keep to myself as much as possible. It’s one of those things wherein I’m happy to know it existed, but I also understand that it needs to be “nipped in the bud”, so to speak. However, just because I understand it doesn’t mean that it does not sadden me.

You can read more at this post (if I allow you to):
https://starburst23.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/mnms/