Almost There

There are only 4 requirements left for the rest of the semester: a paper, two exams and a business  plan presentation.
(However, counting the non-academic things I have going on.. *loses count*)

I can’t believe the semester is almost over. Still, some things don’t change. I’m still awake at 2 in the morning, watching an episode of Fringe Season 2 and writing this blog post, instead of getting some much needed sleep that I haven’t been able to indulge in since forever. I don’t have class tomorrow, but I go to school to hang out and study with my guy, going to organization events later in the afternoon. My bags are messy, there’s a tab where Facebook is open, and I just killed an hour earlier tonight browsing Instagram.

Many things don’t change.

Yet I believe that this semester changed me in many ways I didn’t expect. I didn’t make as much progress on my thesis as I’d be comfortable with, yet I feel as tired as the rest of my block mates who got to present their preliminary results in local and internation conferences. I almost didn’t read a single fictional book for the entire semester, giving in just this week (and it’s the last week of regular classes). I actually read multiple textbooks on the same topics, never mind the repetitive principles. Surprisingly, I even got to score high enough as to be the top 8 scorer (we were only 30+ so it wasn’t that great of a feat) on an exam in a subject taught by our institute director . I didn’t know I was capable of these things: of discipline, or a more efficient strategy for time management, of actually excelling in my academics while trying to be more involved in my newest organization and also maintaining a relationship.

It wasn’t easy, but it seems that  I pulled through.
And now, there’s almost only 6 months left before I have to face what’s out there.

When people say that being a student is the easiest thing to be throughout your whole life, career-wise that is, it’s because students’ lives are predictable to the point of being boring and cumbersome. They are provided sets of predetermined tests and lessons to plow through for a certain number of years, with the expectation of absorbing at least a certain amount. Never mind that they may end up an insurance agent even with a Math degree. I have never really believed in that–in fact, I believe that being a student was harder in that you had no choice but adhere to the path that the academe has laid out for you. There is little room for maneuvering, and those that don’t survive or choose to drop out statistically end up with menial jobs and a lack of opportunities. I viewed it as societal manipulation in the most clever way: targeting both fear of the inability to provide for oneself and the desire to live in comfort, even luxury.

But when I think now of what I plan to do after graduation (if, God willing, I graduate on time), I begin to realize that the saying is true. The ‘real world’ sounds scary because there are a lot of unpredicatabilities. I realize that, in 6 months’ time, I cannot simply just wake up in the morning and worry about what to wear, whether all my notebooks are in my bag, if I have my ID with me. I cannot plan if I’m going to be studying during the weekend for an exam in the next coming week. I would have to look at schools to apply, a visa to apply for, scholarships whose basic requirements I qualify for. I’d have to finally apply for a passport. Most importantly, I will be subjecting myself to the utmost unpredictability of getting accepted to both a (full) scholarship and a forensic school. I know that these, in my case, cannot be mutually exclusive.

The line I’d have to traverse seems fairly straight, but experience teaches us that it is rarely the case. I guess that’s why they had to differentiate distance from displacement. Yet this unpredictability is what most crave for: the ability to choose what they want to do and the freedom to follow through with it. For me, it seems almost like a challenge to my upbringing, if what I’ve garnered over the years is enough to earn my survival in the wild.

I feel excited but I don’t think I’m ready. Not yet.
I still have six months to procrastinate, as typical of most students.

But I do know..
I’m almost there.



Thank God for Blogs

“How are you doing now?”
You text, just like any other moment
On any other day.
I don’t reply ’cause
I don’t know what to say.
You bombard me with
Stories of things that amused you:
Cara Delevingne for Topman/Topshop
Your brother’s antics
Where you ate lunch at
(That Burger King shop we frequent?)

I don’t know how to do this,
I don’t know how you do.
Like everything’s just normal–
Well, that’s just bull.
On the back of my mind
I can’t erase your face
Looking lost, like you just had
A sad epiphany
And I have no idea what triggered it.

I stare at the screen
Of my computer
Codes not making sense
Unable to follow simple instructions
To make some program work.
Most everything else seems trivial now.
I can’t focus
But I can’t rant
Specially not on social sites; you might see.
I don’t want you to worry.
Heck, I don’t want to be worried
But I can’t help it.

It’s noon already
On a Sunday
And I have two papers and
An exam on Tuesday
So as I sit here
Tears streaming down my face
Texting you like everything’s okay
I’m truly thinking:
“Thank God for blogs.”


Torn and helpless

Only had one non-coffee drink the whole day
And yet the caffeine has run out of my veins.
And instead of figuring out some program
I spent the brain power on you.
It was not what I wanted, it was not what I chose
But you won’t get out of my head even as I shoved.
You told me I ground you
Then you warn me that you might sink
Into depression in the next few days
And I couldn’t help but feel.. helpless.
Not knowing what goes on in your brain
Specially at times like this kills me
But I can’t force you to tell me things.
I don’t want to.

I want you to feel free to tell me things:
From crazy trips to happy memories,
From corny jokes to ambitious dreams.
Drown me in your emotions
Happiness, anger, sadness, frustration–
Anything but this isolation is preferred.
I may not have the time to see you everyday
Nor may I be always attentive to my phone
But I will always have time for this.
Time for your feelings, your apprehensions,
your fears–time. For. You.
I already gave you the ticket,
You only need to claim the price.

But I know that it’s true,
What a friend used to say:
“You’re confrontational.”
And I am.
But I’ll understand
(Oh, I’ll try my hardest)
If you choose to keep things from me
Because I know that not everyone
Deals with things as I do.
Specially not you.
I can only hope
That someday, you will feel
That it’s alright to let go
Of thoughts and emotions
Specially to me.



I’m so confused.
Today, I broke my personal coffee cup. Not on purpose; it slipped from my grasp, but I don’t understand how it happened. I wasn’t holding anything else with the hand holding it, and it’s just too stupid to attribute it to drowsiness, since I got up like 30 minutes ago.

I can’t help but think that it’s an omen or a manifestation of the internal turmoil building inside of me. The guy I’ve been posting about, my muse for the last poem? He’s finally came around, emotionally, and I’ve never felt so gratified about making an effort about someone. We’ve cleared up how we’ve come to feel about each other. To quote one of the touching things he said,

Love and relationships are strange things, for something that can make you feel like the world is yours would also make you feel tortured–and yet people seek it. I wasn’t seeking it but it came to me.

His mother’s apprehensions about him entering a relationship came up, since he was quite a wreck from his previous one. That plus my mother’s misgivings, including that he may be a distraction from my focusing during my last year of college, challenged me to prove them wrong. I can say that I’ve been the more stable one lately, for I’ve been avoiding being attached to him due to previous conversations in which he made it clear that ‘us’ would never work out. He’s admitted that he doesn’t experience the stability I experience, emotionally, but then he hasn’t been holding himself back almost the entire time like I’ve been.

I want to make this work, for both of us, because I like how we support each other’s ventures and interests; it feels more mature than the last ‘relationship’ (for my last ‘serious’ guy and I never got to be together) I’ve been in. We’re both graduating next year, so we know where our priorities lie. Also, I really like how we can just be together in person and not feel the need to say anything to each other. Our coffee shop ‘dates’ felt really comforting and..something, I don’t know what’s the word for it. The feeling of being productive, feeling the support from across the table, then glancing up to find him studying his paper intently or to find him glancing at me; him reaching his hand across the table, seeking mine, all the while still studying. I still don’t think we have much conversational chemistry, but I know I can’t help grinning like a fool whenever I see him. I also think it’s nice how we are in very different fields of study yet we feel comfortable sharing things about our work to each other. I’ve come to learn how his mind wanders when he becomes quiet, but more recently I know they’ve been wandering to other things still related to me. I feel chastised yet cared for when he expresses concern about my safety, for he’s rarely (never, so far) too pushy about it. He understands that I am my own woman, that I know what I’m doing.

Wow, blogging really enables me to reflect. When I started writing this post, I was in turmoil for I felt stuck yesterday. After The Talk on Friday night, I was feeling just.. ‘meh’ yesterday while talking to him! I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. All the time he was happily sharing things with me, and I actually felt the urge to stop replying! Then last night, I dreamt about being in relationships with 2 different boys (a local celebrity and another guy from school whom I know is in a stable relationship) and I couldn’t understand how my subconscious could have dreamt those scenarios up. But now, I think I’ve gained clarity and perspective.

Hoping things turn out well,

A college girl not just trying to survive, but to live. Well, survive, mostly.